not that clean

Life is like microprocessors
Sunday, July 31, 2005

Damn, I can't even think of a proper intro. So I guess I'll just go straight to the point.

I've been thinking a lot lately, about my life. Reassessing myself, pondering about my purpose in this world, and I found out that it is as complicated as the Micropressor Applications lab manual I've been trying to understand for the last hour. Well nobody in this world may have the clearest idea of their purpose in life, but at least most of them got this small picture.

The reason why I'm saying this is because I find that I'm not leading to anywhere. There might be a lot of things that I wanted to do, events that I yearn to be a part of, yet I always end up empty handed, bored and unsatisfied. I'm a typical pinoy with a "ningas-kugon" attitude, magaling lang sa simula. But in the end I'm just another loser.

I can sing, dance, act. You can flatter me by calling me multi-talented. But the point is I've never excelled to any of these three, I'm only good, not excellent.

I wanted to excel on something, whether it might be on arts or science. I wanted to leave a mark that would remind people that I did well on something. That something doesnt necessarily be big, I just dont want to face God as a mediocre and an average person. I wanted to show Him that all the talents that He gave me are utilized for the best purpose and become a testament to His gloriousness.

I might be at loss right now, but I know that God will shine His light upon my path and will lead me to whatever plan he has set upon me. It might be different from the vague shadow I have now, but whatever it might be I know it would be only for the best.

iFLEW @ 11:38 PM | 2 comments

hay kapoy.....
Wednesday, July 20, 2005

@_@

iFLEW @ 12:28 AM | 0 comments

dedications...
Sunday, July 17, 2005

Untitled
by Simple Plan

I open my eyes
I try to see but I'm blinded by the white light
I can't remember how
I can't remember why
I'm lying here tonight

And I can't stand the pain
And I can't make it go away
No I can't stand the pain

Chorus:
How could this happen to me
I made my mistakes
Got no where to run
The night goes on
As I'm fading away
I'm sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me

Everybody's screaming
I try to make a sound but no one hears me
I'm slipping off the edge
I'm hanging by a thread
I wanna start this over again

So I try to hold onto a time when nothing mattered
And I can't explain what happened
And I can't erase the things that I've done
No I can't

How could this happen to me
I made my mistakes
Got no where to run
The night goes on
As I'm fading away
I'm sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me

I made my mistakes
Got no where to run
The night goes on
As I'm fading away
I'm sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me

iFLEW @ 11:18 PM | 0 comments

back to SG

It's been 4 weeks and now I'm back in Singapore. Back to the linear and fast lifestyle, to the busy and loaded school stuffs, back to a cage-like environment that I'm happy to escape from. If I had the choice I wont be coming back here. I would rather just stay with my family and friends back home in spite of the chaos and instability that my country is facing today. And I really dont have the choice but only to go back and continue my studies here in SG. After all I was the one who "ultimately" decided to accept this scholarship.

Time really passes by so quickly that sometimes we dont even remember what just happened. It seems only yesterday when the immigration officer in Changi airport stamped the 30 day visiting pass on my passport, when I first entered my bridging class, and now I'll be starting the next school year as a junior student. A fact that I'm not really looking forward into.

My first three years in Singapore (including my bridging year) haven't been that great academic-wise. If I always excel in everything I do during my high school years, now I'm just an ordinary university student who gets average grades and even failed his maths. And I somewhat hated myself for that. I wanted to put the blame to someone or something so I can at least console myself and remind me that it's not my fault why I'm turning into a failure. But there's no one and nothing to blame except me.

I alredy made a promise to change for the better before. I wont be promising this time coz I dont want to hate myself if I failed to fulfill that promise. I wont set any expectations and marks but rather do my best to become a more responsible and mature person and try to more appreciative of the blessings that God has been giving me.

I'm back. I'm stuck to a place I dont wanna belong. I cant do anything about it. I dont have a choice but to make good things out of it. That's what I'm gonna do. That is.

iFLEW @ 9:58 PM | 0 comments

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